I Will Never be Murdered Like Michael Brown

I will never be murdered by a cop the way Michael Brown was.  That is, unless I attempt suicide by cop, and even then this is not guaranteed.  I can say this confidently based on my own personal experiences, and those of many of my friends, as white people interacting with the police.

Between the ages of eleven and nineteen I had multiple run-ins with the cops for minor offenses. Fortunately, I do not have a criminal record.  I was never convicted of any major or minor crimes.  I was never even charged with any misdemeanors or violations.   

My history with the police began when my friends and I took up skateboarding.  I was a white kid from a working class family living in a working class town in upstate New York.  All of my friends were white and came from a similar background.  Some of my friends were a little more poor than me, others a little more well off, and a few very well off.  We were all white (well, the friends I got into trouble with were all white).

Those early episodes with the police revolved around our skateboarding.  Like many towns across America we did not have a skate park.  In fact, we had nowhere to skate.  So what did we do?  We skated in parking lots, abandoned properties, and on the streets and sidewalks.  We were not allowed to skate in any of those places.  We would find a good curb in a parking lot, spend a few minutes trying to grind it, and then a business owner or resident would call the police.  The cops would show up promptly and kick us out.  For the most part the police were intimidating, but that's because they were bigger than us and had guns.  They usually treated us pretty well.  Sometimes they were a bit gruff, but rarely mean and never abusive.  They would just tell us to leave the property and we'd be on our way.  Sometimes they would even bullshit with us for a few minutes.  One time a cop even tried to ride my skateboard (after asking my permission, of course).  Nonetheless, we fancied ourselves rebels and would give them the finger and call them pigs behind their backs.  The cops took that in stride and pretended not to notice.  This continued throughout my six year skating career.

As I got older I would get into slightly more trouble.  I started drinking and smoking pot in my early teens.  My friends and I would have wild house parties involving underage drinking, drug use, and occasional vandalism.  Those parties were often broken up by the cops.  Nonetheless, none of us were ever arrested or charged with anything, unless someone drove away drunk or did something particularly egregious, such as verbally or physically attacking the officer, being caught with drugs, or fighting.  Often times the parties weren't even broken up, we would just be asked to quiet down.  This was largely due to one individual in our crowd that actually enjoyed talking to cops.  He would often spend a few minutes chatting it up with the police that came to bust up the party, and then he'd come back to the party and announce that we could all stay as long as we kept the noise down and didn't try to drive.

When I was seventeen I was busted for possession of a small amount of marijuana.  This time I was actually handcuffed and detained in my local police station for about an hour while the arresting officer completed the paperwork.  I asked him while he was cuffing me if he thought someone like me (ie: innocent looking white kid) was going to get high then go out and rape and pillage.  He told me no, he didn't think that, that he was just doing his job.  He went on to add that he wished that people would just smoke pot in their homes so he didn't have to waste his time with petty offenders like me.  He gave me no grief for asking about this and treated me as an equal during our entire interaction (well, as equal as possible given that I was being detained by an agent of the state).  I had to go to court for this offense.  The real kicker in all of this is that my court date was the same date that I had to be in traffic court for a speeding ticket (unrelated to the possession offense).  I had to attend the same court for both offenses.  I first stood for the traffic ticket.  Since my father knew a state trooper my ticket was knocked down to a faulty tail light and I was ordered to pay a small fine with no points on my license.  I walked out to the back of the courthouse, paid my fine at the window, and then walked back into the courtroom to await my second hearing.  The judge seeing me walk back in looked up and shook his head.  When I stood for the possession charge I was given an ACD.  ACD stands for Adjournment in Contemplation of Dismissal.  When one gets an ACD the understanding is that as long as that individual does not get into any trouble over the following six months their case will be dismissed.  It is not a conviction or a form of probation.  It is a delayed dismissal. In other words, I got away with it.

My last run in with the police occurred on Halloween when I was nineteen.  I was in college and was headed to a party with a group of friends.  It was a pastime at my school for students to break the wooden parking gates at the entrances to the various campus parking lots.  On this particular Halloween I decided to get in on that tradition and I promptly ran my body through a wooden parking gate breaking it off.  It was good, old fashioned vandalism.  Unfortunately, since this happened so regularly, and since it was Halloween, the local police department had officers staking out the parking lots on campus just in case some jack ass like myself decided to take part in our college pastime.  I broke the gate, and before I knew it a cop was running up behind me.  I ran as fast as I could.  There were other officers positioned ahead of me, so I stopped running after only a hundred feet or so.  The cop pursuing me tripped and sprained his ankle.  I was detained by the police for the second time in my life.  And again, I was only detained for as long as it took for the arresting officer to complete the paperwork (still made it to the party, only an hour late).  I apologized to the officer for causing him to injure himself.  He told me it was all right.  He said he was mad at me and didn't like me very much at that point, but that he'd heal and get over it.  I think it is relevant to mention here that the arresting and injured officer was African American.  Think about that for a moment.  I resisted arrest by running, and the arresting officer was injured in pursuit.  I was only charged with vandalism.  How might that have played out if I were African American and the officer was white?

I attended court for the vandalism charge, and again I was given an ACD and paid no fine.  This was my third ACD.  The first was for the possession charge, and the second I received for getting too many speeding tickets.  That second ACD had expired less than a month before I received the third.

Students across all races and socioeconomic strata are guilty of offenses similar to the ones I committed as a teenager.  Yet, students of color are disproportionately disciplined by school systems and the police for these types of offenses.  I have seen this first hand having worked both in poor, predominantly black schools, and wealthy, predominantly white schools.  In the wealthy, predominantly white schools students often don't even have to answer to the police for their transgressions.  These things are kept quiet and quickly forgotten.  In the poor, predominantly black schools such transgressions earn students suspensions, expulsions, probation, time in juvenile detention, and hefty fines.  

When I was twenty I was walking down the street late at night, drunk, and a police officer driving by gave me a lift home.  When Michael Brown was eighteen he was walking down the street in the middle of the afternoon, sober, and police officer drove by and shot him.

Vermillion Desterenephous

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I don't know how long ago the virus hijacked all of our neuros. A lot of people have been lost in an infinite dream as they waste away back in the primary thread of reality. Some of us have learned how to live with the virus though. We can jump from one thread (ie: a simulated universe) to the next at will. But we still need help from those on the outside, those that never had neuros in the first place, to bring us back to the primary thread from time to time. Most of us, those like myself that can jump from one thread to another, spend our time exploring the threads. I have a particular fascination with Vermillion Desterenophous.

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In many threads Vermillion Desterenophous has no meaning whatsoever. I know it means nothing in the primary thread. I once found a world in which vermillion desterenophous is a type of plant/animal hybrid that secretes a sweet, reddish jam-like substance which attracts passing animals. After ingesting the fragrant substance the animal soon becomes lethargic and falls into a euphoric stupor. Once the prey is sufficiently disoriented and tired the vermillion desterenophous extends a broad and very soft leaf, usually about two meters long and a meter and a half across. The prey, upon noticing the leaf, will lie down on it and fall asleep. The vermillion desterenophous will then secrete more of its' jam-like substance to further incapacitate its' victim. The leaf then envelopes the prey and secretes a caustic acid which quickly dissolves and digests the slumbering animal.

In another thread I found that Vermillion Desterenophous was the name of a punk band that overthrew an oppressive government and took the reigns of power. Very quickly Vermillion Desterenophous became even more despotic and sadistic than the government they overthrew. They began a mass extermination of anyone who listened to or played country music. Those unfortunate souls that enjoyed country music were given a chance to convert by being locked in a plain white room with lights on twenty-four hours a day. Music from Black Flag was piped in constantly, and once they pledged allegiance to Vermillion Desterenophous and the Dead Kennedys they were freed. Those who did not convert were beheaded. The severed heads of the victims were then shout out of t-shirt cannons into the audiences at Vermillion Desterenophous concerts. The heads of these apostates quickly became collector's items and a speculative-bubble soon formed over the ever rising prices of these severed heads. Eventually over thirty million people were beheaded for being punk apostates. With the market saturated the price of severed heads eventually dropped dramatically, the bubble burst, and within a week the economy had come to a halt. Amid rising unemployment, hyper-inflation, and mass beheadings the people quickly grew weary of Vermillion Desterenophous. Vermillion Desterenophous was overthrown in a military coup lead by the renegade general and country singer Hart Headly. The Headly regime proved to be just as despotic.

Perhaps the best incarnation of Vermillion Desterenophous that I saw was in a thread where the whole world was at peace. Vermillion Desterenophous was a poet, playwright, and philosopher who came up with a philosophy of radical empathy towards all living creatures. He was given the title of Supreme Bard and Philosoph of a nation, Gondwanaland, already dedicated to charity and egalitarianism. His concept of radical empathy was quickly embraced and spread throughout the world via Gondwanalands' foreign policy. I think one of the reasons why radical empathy worked so well in this world was because the total population of sentient beings numbered only fifty million.

In one world vermillion desterenophous is a radical economic and political ideology that has caused centuries of despotism, violence, and war across the whole world.

There was one thread where vermillion desterenophous is just a weed.

In another it is a type of concrete.

This is what is so amazing about the virus. This is why I love jumping worlds. I've learned to control it perfectly. It's like an old time google search. I just think of a term or a concept and I'm there. It's fantastic! I can search anything, absolutely anything. Even something as meaningless as Vermillion Desterenephous. Who would of thought that something so absurd as Vermillion Desterenophous could actually mean something in so many worlds! In the primary thread it is utterly meaningless, but in so many others it's everything. I can come up with anything and I almost always find a thread in which my non-nonsensical babel actually means something. Take for example something totally ridiculous, even more so than vermillion desterenephous, like Henry Kissinger. Again, totally meaningless in the primary thread and many others. But I found one thread in which the United States engaged in a brutal and aggressive war in Vietnam. In this thread Henry Kissinger was Secretary of State to President Richard Nixon and one of the key architects of a secret war in the country bordering Vietnam, Cambodia. Not only did Henry Kissinger have meaning in this world, but he was also a war criminal. In that thread President Nixon was forced to resign amid a growing scandal over the release of a secret history of the wars in Vietnam and Cambodia. Henry Kissinger, along with many others, were never held to account for their crimes. It was very similar to what happened in the primary thread, but there the aggressive war was fought in Algeria instead, and the president who was disgraced and impeached over it was John F. Kennedy.

And of course there are many other worlds where Henry Kissinger means something. In most worlds Henry Kissinger is an invasive species of fungus that destroys whole ecosystems. Such similarities between threads is actually quite common. I have found that the words, names, and phrases I make up often have the same or similar meanings in different threads. It seems that there is a continuum of existence for all things. A certain essence which life maintains across realities. The closer one thread is to another the more subtle the differences between them. One can judge the distance between threads by the abruptness of a jump. The more radical the difference between one thread and another the further they are away from each other. So if you are reliving your childhood one moment and then orbiting a gaseous planet in a distant solar system the next then you just made a big jump. Conversely if the only difference between two threads is the existence or non-existence of a single leaf on a tree then your jump was minute and probably imperceptible. In fact most jumps are imperceptible with the differences between threads simply being the placement of a single atom.

Often the similarities are not to be found in a creatures physical manifestation but in its effects of the wider world. This is why Henry Kissinger is a war criminal in many threads and an invasive species of fungus in others.

The Gremlins Behind my Eyes

The gremlins behind my eyes spoke my dreams to a murder of crows.

Set shallow in my pupils the little beings watch the coursing, thriving, bio-electric mass of protein that is my mind.

That little glimmer in everyone’s eye, light reflected off of their metallic suits.

The little gremlins watch our thoughts.  They observe, analyze, model, and predict.

Benign, usually.  They just gather and absorb.  

But this time . . .

This time they found reason to tell those damned crows!

They told them about my dream of the camps.

The old crows and young heard of degradation and despair.

They learned of waste, carrion, and fear.

Old crows and young learned nothing new,

They cawed and cried for sorrow and joy.

And I asked the little gremlins behind my eyes “Why did you share my dreams with this murder of crows?  Why did you share that one dream?”

The gremlins starred from my shallow pupils, metallic suits glinting in the fluorescence.  They would not answer back.

“I would happily share my dreams, the good and the bad.  The limitless and the void.  The crows know of the void, we all know the void.  We are of it, the universe eats us.  The darkness of the void motivates urgency, passion,  and meaning in our being. Yet you only show them the void, and not the brilliance that illuminates it.”

But the gremlins only stare blankly, and get back to work.

Condescending Parents: I Don't Want Kids, and I am an Adult

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As a teenager I began to think that I might not want to have kids when I got older.  By the time I was in my
mid-twenties I was pretty certain that I wasn't going to have any kids.  Now, at the age of thirty, my thirty three year old life partner and I have decided, unequivocally, that we don't want to have kids.  We came to this decision for a variety of reasons including but not limited to our desire to travel, broader family issues, a desire to maintain and expand upon a lifestyle that is not necessarily amenable to raising children, and morally fraught proposition of bringing someone into this world that might not want to be here in the first place.  My partner and I had both been thinking about these things before we met, and have discussed them at length while examining and questioning our reasoning constantly.  In other words, we've put a lot of time and thought into this decision.

However, you would never know that if you saw how people react to us when we tell them that we don't have, nor do we want, kids.  The reactions are typically shocked, dismissive, and condescending, especially from those who have children.  Responses vary, but there are a few that are very common.  Among the most common are: "Oh you're still so young, you'll probably change your mind in a few years;" "But you'll never have a truly fulfilling life / be a true adult / know what love really is;" "Who will care for you when you're old?" and my favorite "But isn't that kind of selfish?"  Let's take these one at a time.

You're still so young, you'll probably change your mind
Yes, my partner and I at thirty and thirty three are so damn young.  Sort of.  Yes, we are biologically still of an age where we can easily reproduce, but that window will be closed in a decade or less without fertility treatment and all of the intended risks (to the parent and child) that come with that.  When I'm met with this response I find it to be very dismissive, invalidating, and condescending.  It was one thing when I was fifteen and I said I didn't want kids.  I was fifteen and wanted to sound cool and rebellious, and at that time I didn't know what the hell I wanted out of life.  Now, though, I've been thinking about these things for more than fifteen years.  I've put a lot of time and mental effort into this and my decision is based on intense moral reasoning and personal introspection.  When you say that due to my age I will probably change my mind what you are implicitly saying is that the decade and a half of thinking I've done on this issue is of little consequence; that all of the mental time and effort I put into this decision is not that important; that I'm the equivalent of a petulant child trying to piss off the elders.  So, thanks for telling me that my decision is naive and childish.

But you'll never have a truly fulfilling life / be a true adult / know what love really is
This line of thinking is summed up very well in a blog post by Sarah Larson entitled "I Think People Without Kids have Empty Lives and I'm Not Sorry About That."  Here is an excerpt that gets right to the meat of it:

I never thought of myself as the kind of person who judges other people’s choices. But after spending enough of my life with kids and without, I can’t deny what I really feel: It’s a perfectly fine choice to never become a parent, but there is absolutely no chance that your life will be as full or meaningful, or that you will learn as many essential truths about existence, as you would if you had kids. 

Because when it comes down to it, there are certain truths about life that you literally cannot know until you've become a parent. The list of those truths could go on forever (no, it really could), but the core truth behind all of it is about what human life is about, how we relate to each other, how to care for each other, and the tiny moments that, in the end, are what we do all this other shit to support.

This is so offensive that I don't even know where to begin.  Firstly, the author says she doesn't like to judge other people's choices, then jumps right into doing so.  It kind of reminds me of the old trope "I'm not racist, but . . ."  Yes Ms. Larson, you are judging my choices and telling me that I'm wrong.  Beyond that she writes about certain truths about life, such as how to care for and relate to others, that one "cannot"  know if they don't have kids (Interestingly, later in the post she says that people can learn these truths without kids, just that it will be more difficult and less meaningful).  Well, she's wrong.  Let's take her line about learning to "care for each other."  Having worked in education for several years, and specifically having spent time working in behavioral classrooms, along with having spent time caring for loved ones with mental illness, I have learned a lot about how to care for others.  I would argue that I am actually much more caring and compassionate, especially when it comes to children, than many, many parents that I know.  I've known kids with very 'loving' parents that beat them with coat hangers; that would say things like "Fuck you you little cunt!" to ten year old kids; that would leave their kids in daycare every night not because they had to work, but because the wanted to go out to happy hour.  When you argue that I can never truly care for others if I don't have kids you are invalidating all of the work I've done to care for others and to help make their lives a little better.  Try telling them that I don't know how to care, they'll disagree.

Another meme that comes along with this line of thinking is that one will never truly experience unconditional love without children.  When I write 'unconditional love,' I mean loving someone no matter what they may do to you or others.  For example, despite the fact that your spouse routinely beats your with a paddle and limits your autonomy you still love them and feel obligations towards them.  That's unconditional love.  I feel unconditional love for many people, and I'm working hard to stop doing that.  Unconditional love has led me into a toxic, enmeshed relationship (not with my life partner, but with another loved one) which I would have ended long ago had it not been for the 'unconditional love' that I feel for this person.  Because of that 'unconditional love' I'm spending large amounts of time and emotional energy to try and salvage a relationship that most sane, rational people would tell me to end ASAP if this person was not a loved one.  Instead I'm doing all I can to salvage a relationship that negatively impacts my life and damages my relationships with others.  Maybe if so many people didn't love their spouses/ parents/ children unconditionally then many fewer people would be the victims of domestic violence.  I've experienced unconditional love, and I want nothing to do with it.  Unfortunately many people take unconditional love as permission to verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse those giving the unconditional love.

Furthermore, I am a fully realized adult, and my life does have meaning.  I find meaning in every child that I finally understands multiplication after I help them with their homework.  I find meaning in the deep, loving, and trusting relationships that I have with my life partner, my friends, and my family.  I find meaning in the smile on my niece's face, and the grunts that come from her mouth, when I ask her if she wants to play monkey.  All of these experiences contribute to the person that I am and have helped me to mature into the adult that I am today.

Who will care for you when you're old?
Probably the same people who will care for you: the nurses, doctors, and orderlies in the nursing home that your children put you in.  Additionally, if one of the main reasons why you want to have kids is so that someone will care for you when you're old, then you're being incredibly selfish.  Additionally you are assuming that your child will actually love you enough to take care of you in your elder years.  You can be the greatest parent ever and still end up with adult children who hate you.  I wouldn't plan your retirement assuming that your kids will care for you.

But isn't that kind of selfish?
Admittedly, at least in my own experience, I am met with this reaction less and less these days.  But I still get it regularly enough.  I guess you could say that it's selfish of me to not want to give up going out of town on a moment's notice, or to give up sleeping in on the weekends and having a long lazy morning.  And I'm not sorry about that.  I don't want kids because I don't want to begrudge them or resent them because I had to give those things up.  Unfortunately, too many parents end up doing exactly that.  The truly selfish ones are those that have kids because "That's what people do," or because "Kids are so cute and I love playing with them."  Regarding the latter, if you want kids because they're fun and cute, get a job in a daycare center or a day camp.  Regarding the former, having kids because it's another milestone in life that everyone goes through is probably the worst reason to have a child.  You are bringing a human life into the world.  This is not like taking a shitty job or moving into an apartment in sketchy neighborhood when you're in college.  You can change those things, but you can't change the fact that you brought a human life into the world.  If you have kids because you think it might make you feel better, or that you'll seem like more of an adult in the eyes of others, then you are the selfish one.

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In the end, the people hurt most by these types of responses are not people like myself and my partner, but parents and children.  The responses I go into detail about above are part of a larger juggernaut of social pressure  and obligation to reproduce.  Many, but not all, parents became parents not because they truly wanted to.  They became parents because it was expected of them.  They never questioned their desire to have children.  They never asked themselves "Is it me that wants to have children?  Or is it other people?" So many people bring children into this world without considering what it truly means to create a human life. I'll give a pass to those that have children at very young ages.  Often very young parents made a mistake, and they know it.  What I cannot every respect is those who have kids because that just what you do at a certain age.  Your child is not a new car.  Your child is not a college education.  Your child is a human being and you'd better be damn sure that you are ready and aware of what a monumental task this is.  If you haven't done that but you still had kids, then you are a selfish prick who is potentially going to create and subsequently destroy a life.